The Definitive Ranking of Bears, in Honor of ‘Cocaine Bear’ - The Ringer

2023-02-22 05:14:23 By : Ms. Ariel Zhang

With ‘Cocaine Bear’ hitting the big screen this week, our foremost bear experts set out to rank these animals in all their grizzly glory

There are too many bears in pop culture. That’s right, I said it. When my esteemed colleague Miles Surrey and I set out to create this list—which we’re doing in honor of the forthcoming film Cocaine Bear, a virtual lock to become a cult classic—we had trouble narrowing things down. Koala Stuffed Animal

The Definitive Ranking of Bears, in Honor of ‘Cocaine Bear’  - The Ringer

We started with a list of about 45 bears, then whittled that down to 30. Then we added a couple we’d forgotten and made cuts once again. Finally we got to our tally of 31—a rather Herculean feat, if I do say so myself. And we found that, of all the mammals, insects, and sea creatures we’ve ranked, bears may have the widest, most significant cultural impact of any animal out there. Why is that? Who’s to say. Maybe it’s the versatility of bears, who can be terrifying, cuddly, or somewhere in between. Maybe it’s because they make such cute cartoons, as you’ll see later in this list. Or maybe it’s because they’re incredibly chonky, and we as a society have an obsession with chonky animals. Maybe all of the above!

Anyway, please enjoy these 100 percent correct, infallibly accurate rankings—and don’t be mad at us for no. 31.

Miles Surrey: If non-M3GAN children’s toys were actually sentient, there’s a good chance they’d turn out like Lots-o’-Huggin’ Bear (voiced by Ned Beatty). Introduced in Toy Story 3 as the friendly caretaker of Sunnyside Daycare, it doesn’t take long for Lotso to drop the cuddly-teddy-bear facade. Resentful of accidentally being left behind at a rest stop by a little girl named Daisy, Lotso rules over Sunnyside like a prison warden, ensuring all the toys never escape or make it back to their owners. The only way out of Sunnyside is through the trash, where Lotso believes all toys are destined to wind up.

Leave it to Pixar to create a terrifying villain in the form of a stuffed animal who canonically smells like strawberries. And like any good antagonist, the worst part about Lotso’s nihilistic outlook is that he might have a point: Toys are often treated like expendable material objects, and when children outgrow them, odds are they’ll be discarded without a second thought. It’s enough to make you sympathize with Lotso’s abandonment issues … until he LEAVES ANDY’S TOYS TO PERISH IN AN INCINERATOR. (If those toys were actually killed, I’d have Lotso therapy bills.) Suffice to say, it was a no-brainer to put this demented daycare dictator at the bottom of our list.

Megan Schuster: His old Southern gentleman accent lives on in the recesses of my mind.

Surrey: As a film, Ted combines two things that I loathe: Seth MacFarlane’s lazy, [insert pop culture reference here] brand of humor, and Mark Wahlberg’s poor attempt at acting. Serving as MacFarlane’s directorial debut, Ted imagines what happens when eight-year-old John Bennett wishes to bring his teddy bear to life, and, against all odds, that wish actually comes true. Fast-forward nearly three decades, and John (Wahlberg) is a washed-up adult with a teddy bear bestie named Ted (voiced by MacFarlane) who drinks, smokes weed, and parties with sex workers.

To MacFarlane’s credit, Ted was successful enough to spawn a sequel, along with an upcoming Peacock prequel series that finished filming last year. But while there might be enough people who enjoy a sentient CGI bear getting into R-rated shenanigans, I couldn’t hop on the Ted bandwagon. When it comes to talking animals—stuffed or otherwise—attempting to hook up with human beings, I’m more of a Bee Movie loyalist.

Schuster: Believe it or not, the Care Bears originated from a greeting card—more specifically, from a 1981 painting that was designed to be used on a greeting card. The 10 original characters—all drawn in different colors with symbols on their stomachs ranging from a heart to a sun to a rain cloud—became a franchise soon after (what doesn’t in America these days). Now, more than 40 years since their inception, the Care Bears have been everything from toys to TV stars to actual gummy bears. I still have fond memories of the Care Bears, and they’re unquestionably adorable—especially the early drawings. But they’ve gotten overexposed over the years (yes I just said that about Care Bears), so here they are at no. 29.

Surrey: I haven’t watched Dr. Dolittle 2 since I was a kid, so refreshing myself on the film’s plot was an incredible experience. John Dolittle (Eddie Murphy), who can speak to animals, is approached by the Vito Corleone of beavers(!!) to protect his forest from a greedy developer. But in order to stop the woods from being razed, John must convince the last remaining female Pacific western bear to mate with Archie (voiced by Steve Zahn), a former circus bear of the same species. In other words, this is a kid’s movie about Eddie Murphy trying to get a bear laid.

I’m not going to pretend Dr. Dolittle 2 is a good movie, but when John is trapped in a bathroom stall with a bear who can’t hold in his shit because he ate too much Cherry Garcia ice cream while he was depressed, I couldn’t stop laughing. Turns out, toilet humor is really effective when a bear’s ripping farts like a French hornist hopped up on caffeine.

Surrey: Speaking of bears and bathrooms, let’s give it up for the Charmin brand. These bears have been protecting our asses for years—literally.

Schuster: One of the most harrowing movie villains of our time. Seriously—look at the size, mass, and speed of this thing. It takes a bullet from Leonardo DiCaprio like it got tapped with a flyswatter. If you could venture near a wooded area within three years of watching this film, you’re a stronger person than I:

Regardless of whether you think Leo deserved his sole Oscar for The Revenant, there’s no denying this scene topped Quint’s gruesome, shark-chomping death in Jaws—and that in itself is an accomplishment.

Surrey: Leo basically dared the Academy to deny him another Oscar after torturing himself on camera, and the Academy folded. The bear deserved a shoutout in his acceptance speech.

Schuster: Impossible as it may seem, Bobo, however briefly, gives Mr. Burns a heart. “Rosebud,” the fourth episode from the fifth season of The Simpsons, paints us this picture: At a young age, Burns left his family behind to go live with a billionaire and, in turn, abandoned his childhood teddy bear Bobo. As an adult, Burns becomes obsessed with finding Bobo again, and the episode tracks the teddy’s journey from a flight on the Spirit of St. Louis to [checks notes] Adolf Hitler’s lodgings to the North Pole to a bag of ice at the Kwik-E-Mart—where it ends up with Maggie Simpson.

For a time, Bobo seems like the skeleton key that could unlock a kinder, gentler Mr. Burns. He even vows to be better after Maggie takes pity on him and gives up the bear. But as with most things Simpsons, everything soon reverts back to normal: The episode ends with a flash-forward to one million A.D., with a cybernetic Mr. Burns stealing a fossilized Bobo from upright apes, vowing to never again leave the teddy bear behind.

Schuster: Let me start this off by admitting that Miles and I have pretty differing opinions on Smokey the Bear. You may think, “Hmm, isn’t it strange to have strong feelings about a cartoon bear who’s one goal in life is to prevent forest fires?” To which I respond: BUCKLE UP.

Smokey the Bear was created in 1944 by the U.S. Forest Service in an effort to teach proper fire protocol to campers, hikers, and other people venturing out into the woods. That’s a fine goal, and I’m definitely in support of nature preservation. However, over the years the image of Smokey evolved; his posters—which initially showed innocent images of him using a bucket of water to put out a campfire—took on an aggressive, Uncle Sam–like quality:

Don’t turn our sweet, nature-loving bears into political pawns! Let Smokey be sweet!

Surrey: Alternatively, let Smokey be Daddy:

Surrey: What do The Walking Dead, Battlestar Galactica, Outlander, God of War, Godzilla: King of the Monsters, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Foundation, and The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power all have in common? A score by Bear McCreary. It’s no wonder our colleague Ben Lindbergh coined the composer “the sound of sci-fi” in 2018, and as a genre nerd myself, McCreary’s expansive influence cannot be overstated. (I have no doubt Lydia Tár sought his advice before scoring Monster Hunter.) The next time a major genre project needs an original score, expect McCreary to show up like a bear drawn to honey.

Schuster: This would’ve been a bit higher if we were just ranking the Cubs—a legendary sports franchise that broke its 108-year title curse in 2016. But this also would’ve been lower if we were just ranking the Bears, who haven’t been consistently good since the 1980s and recently finished the 2022 season as the worst team in the NFL. The Bears do have some reasons for optimism, however: They have an exciting young quarterback in Justin Fields, they have the no. 1 pick in the upcoming draft, and they’re in a division that could soon be pretty wide open. The Cubs, meanwhile, are coming off a second-straight losing season, and most of the big names from their title-winning team are now gone. If we balance historical legacy and current status quo, this feels like the right spot for Chi-town.

Surrey: Let’s be honest: the best Robin Hood adaptation is the 1973 Disney animated film, which imagines the titular rogue as a red fox and his best friend Little John as a giant brown bear. (It’s a good thing they’re portrayed as animals; those tunics were worn a tad high.) What I most enjoy about Robin Hood’s Little John is the unbridled affection and loyalty he holds for his best friend. Before J.D. and Turk sang about guy love between two guys, Robin Hood and Little John gave us the ultimate bromance ballad.

Schuster: I feel a bit bad ranking these bears so low. After all, what did they do but come home from a fun family outing to find that some random girl had broken into their home, eaten their porridge, broken one of their chairs, and mussed up one of their beds after sleeping in it? Imagine all that happened to you and your family; then imagine it happened to you and your family, and you were the ones painted as the villains in the story. Pretty fucked up when you think about it! Seriously, we need to re-evaluate the themes of a lot of these classic fairy tales.

On the other hand, though, these bears are really only famous for being the victims of a crime. So it’s tough to put them any higher.

Surrey: If this was a modern American fable, Goldilocks would’ve been shot by the bears for trespassing before telling their side of the story on Fox News. (The animal punnage was completely unintentional.)

Schuster: This tweet says it better than I ever could:

when you find out the other coke bear got his own movie

Surrey: As a long-suffering Washington Wizards fan, I’m envious of practically every other NBA franchise—I celebrated news of Will Barton’s potential contract buyout as if we just won a playoff series. (If his name was Will Bearton, he’d be dead last on this list.) But when the postseason starts and the Wiz are irrelevant, it’s always tempting to adopt the Memphis Grizzlies as the playoff team to root for. The current roster has the same grit-and-grind ethos as the Grizzlies teams of old, only now they’re led by human highlight reel Ja Morant. Much like Dominic Toretto, the laws of physics simply don’t apply to this man.

The only knock against the Grizzlies is that their jerseys can’t hold a candle to the ones from the franchise’s days in Vancouver. They need to bring those back, and not just for special occasions.

Schuster: Did I subtly lower the Grizzlies’ place in these rankings because they beat my Timberwolves in the playoffs last year? The world may never know.

Schuster: Not the most imaginative of a show or character name, Bear in the Big Blue House depicted the goings-on of a bear … named Bear … who lived in a big blue house. But as kids’ shows go, it was pretty cute. Bear and his buddies—Tutter, a blue mouse, Pip and Pop, two purple otters, Ojo, a red bear cub, and Treelo, a multi-colored Lemur—all hung out together in the titular blue house, learning childhood lessons ranging from the meaning of Thanksgiving to the importance of sleep. In that way, it functioned as kind of a less creepy Barney. (Barney fans, put down your pitchforks—as a kid I could hum his theme song before I could talk, and I still find him terrifying now.)

Bear hung around the airwaves for about 10 years, and aside from the anthropomorphic moon that has frightening doll-like eyes, it was generally well-regarded. Still, it’s not a classic (like some of the other forthcoming bears), and its straightforward nature makes it impossible to rank any higher.

Schuster: The Bad News Bears was one of the early creators of a now-textbook movie trope: an angry, down-on-his-luck adult brought in to coach a struggling youth sports team. Things start off rough (especially in the whole “role model” department); the team continues to struggle; hope seems lost. Then, by some miracle, the team turns things around, said grumpy adult gains a softer side, and everyone is happy at the end. (My favorite iteration of this is Gordon Bombay with The Mighty Ducks, even though Bombay is pretty much a direct descendant of Morris Buttermaker from this movie—right down to the issues with alcohol.)

This version of the archetype was enough of a classic that the 1976 film got two sequels—The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training and The Bad News Bears Go to Japan—along with a remake in 2005 starring Billy Bob Thornton (perhaps my favorite random distinction between Walter Matthau’s Buttermaker and Thornton’s is that Matthau’s works as a pool cleaner while Thornton’s is an exterminator—do not enough people have pools anymore? Are insects trendier than pool fungus? So many questions).

Personally, I hope this trope lives on forever and one day encompasses all sports. That’s my American Dream.

Surrey: Arguably the strangest bear one could encounter in the wilderness, former British special forces trooper Bear Grylls has built a reality TV empire through survival skills that are borderline masochistic. If Grylls has a calling card, it’s using any excuse to drink his own piss and/or eat something disgusting for sustenance: During his interactive Netflix series, the viewer at home could choose to make him eat poisonous mushrooms and undigested nuts plucked from bear feces. (Knowing that Grylls loves putting his stomach to the test, I made him do both.)

Best of all, Grylls is really effective at getting other people—mainly celebrities—to hear the call of the wild. I’m still not sure how Grylls put himself in a situation where Mel B had to pee on his hand after he was stung by a jellyfish, but the fact that this footage even exists is a testament to his ability to push anyone outside their comfort zone.

Cheers, Bear, the first round of piss is on—and from—me.

Surrey: The star of what RRR director S. S. Rajamouli inexplicably named one of the 10 greatest films of all time, Kung Fu Panda’s Master Po (voiced by Jack Black) is a panda whose portly appearance belies his impressive martial arts skills. It’s hard to come up with a human comp to Po’s abilities, but the experience of watching him is not unlike revisiting an iconic Jackie Chan fight scene. There’s a comic element to the proceedings, both in the way Po doesn’t want to resort to violence and how he uses his thicc body to his advantage. The climactic battle with the villainous snow leopard Tai Lung (Ian McShane) in the first Kung Fu Panda epitomizes “work with what you’ve got,” which, in Po’s case, means using his big butt for a finishing move:

On second thought, Rajamouli may have a point.

Schuster: Imagine just being able to sit on your enemies. What a powerful weapon, that tush.

Schuster: An absolute classic, top-tier children’s snack (OK, and adult’s snack, too). Everyone has their favorite flavor—mine is obviously chocolate, but cinnamon is a close second. Did anyone else try to savor these treats by biting off one part of the bear at a time? Just me? Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that.

Surrey: The bears with their little arms stretched out taste better, and that’s just a fact. (Also: Team Cinnamon forever.)

Surrey: When Alison Herman and I published our top 10 shows of 2022, there was one omission that readers kept hounding us about: Where was The Bear? To be sure, if we’d made a separate ranking of the best new series of the year, The Bear would’ve easily made the cut. (It might’ve even made my personal top 10 period, but compromises are necessary in the cutthroat world of blogging under a shared byline!) Hopefully, The Bear’s inclusion near the top of this ranking will be our way of extending an olive branch—or, more appropriately, an Italian beef sandwich—to the show’s biggest fans.

To The Bear’s credit, there’s really nothing else like it on television. Following award-winning chef Carmy Berzatto (a terrific Jeremy Allen White), who returns to Chicago to run his late brother’s sandwich shop, The Bear excels at depicting the pressure cooker environment (again, no pun intended) of a fast-paced kitchen. Basically, imagine bottling up all the anxiety-inducing energy of Uncut Gems and putting it toward, say, a small kitchen staff underestimating the number of online orders they’d receive. (I almost broke out in hives just watching the chaos unfold.) Whether you take your time going through the first season or binge all eight episodes in one sitting, The Bear will leave you full and satisfied.

Schuster: Why does even just glimpsing at the cover of this book send an instant warm pang into my heart? Look at this and tell me a wave of nostalgia didn’t just smack over you:

Corduroy is the story of a teddy bear who lives in a department store. He’s missing a button on his overalls, and one day, when a little girl comes into the store and wants to buy him, her mother refuses, in part because of that missing fastener. Corduroy decides to spend the night wandering the department store in search of his lost button—to no avail. The next day, the little girl returns, buys Corduroy with her own piggy bank savings, and brings the bear home, sewing on a fresh button soon after.

I don’t know why a story that simple still hits me so hard, but I’m sniffling as I type this? Is this what getting soft looks like?

Surrey: There’s no scientific way to prove that gummies taste better in the form of a bear, but that’s how we’ll always prefer to eat them. Just make sure you don’t accidentally buy and subsequently inhale a bag of sugar-free Haribo gummy bears, or you’ll be wishing your bowels could hibernate.

Schuster: I’ve recently started buying the sour Haribo gummy bears—they’re like a less sour version of a Sour Patch Kid—and I cannot recommend them enough (unless, ya know, you value dental integrity).

Surrey: Rest assured, I don’t have any integrity, dental or otherwise.

Schuster: If you haven’t heard of Fat Bear Week, then (1) you’re much less online than I am (congratulations to you, sincerely), and (2) aren’t you in for a treat!

Fat Bear Week first started in 2014. It was created by a park ranger who’d noted a special interest in the livestreams of bears living in Katmai National Park and thought that a special contest would be a good way to drum up additional interest in the animals and the park at large. Here’s how it works: Photos of bears catching salmon in the Brooks River are collected (generally before hibernation time, so they’re at their chonkiest) and then pitted against one another in a weeklong single-elimination tournament.

Welcome to Fat Bear Week Round 1! Today's first match-up features the nervous nelly 775 Lefty vs. the cool customer 480 Otis. To vote, roll over to Katmai's Facebook page and "like" the photo of your favorite fatty!#FatBearWeek #FindYourPark #BearCams

Things started off relatively civil in this competition: The first year, only visitors to the national park were allowed to vote. But then it went online in 2015, and it’s grown exponentially. Last year, in the semifinals, the national park had to discount votes for a bear named Holly after it was determined that people were illegally spamming the vote in her favor. Yes, I’m serious. It’s a 10/10 contest with 10/10 bears.

Surrey: Considering The Ringer has been compromised by suspicious voting in our character brackets, I’m not surprised. Was Holly bribing these hackers with honey?

Surrey: Initially, Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy takes place in a parallel world with some fascinating deviations from our own. For instance: Every human has a physical manifestation of their soul in the form of an animal; witches soar through the sky; and perhaps dopest of all, there exists a species of talking armored polar bears. Known as the Panserbjørn, these bears are renowned for their smithing abilities as well as for being extremely hard to deceive. (Much like Natasha Lyonne’s character in Poker Face, the Panserbjørn know bullshit when they hear it.)

The bear Iorek Brynison is introduced in the first book of Pullman’s trilogy as a former king who was ousted by his own kind and, soon after, lost his precious armor. (For the Panserbjørn, armor is like an extension of their souls.) Thankfully, our plucky heroine Lyra Belacqua not only locates Iorek’s missing armor but also helps him reclaim his throne—as a result, they form an interspecies bond that’s genuinely touching. Having grown up reading (and rereading) Pullman’s series, I lived vicariously through Lyra and Iorek’s friendship: Who among us wouldn’t want to spend time with a giant talking polar bear?! As long as you don’t get on Iorek’s bad side, he seems like a great hang.

Surrey: Fozzie Bear is an aspiring stand-up comic who constantly finds himself being heckled by the crowd—mainly the cantankerous duo of Statler and Waldorf—over his bad jokes. Considering how much The Muppets love doing pop culture parodies, I’m just patiently waiting for a shot-for-shot Joker remake with Fozzie in the title role. (Once you get the visual of Fozzie’s puppet body dancing on those Bronx stairs, it’s hard to think about anything else.) I will always love Fozzie, even if none of his punch lines are … bearable. Wocka wocka!

Surrey: Gather round, dear readers (and Megan), and settle in for Surrey Storytime™. Like anyone who grew up with siblings, my sister and I got into some nasty fights, but unlike Michelle Obama, I was always ready to go low. We kicked each other through the night when sharing a bed on family trips; I dunked her toothbrush in the toilet; I once destroyed a Titanic model she created for art class. (This was at the height of Titanic fever, which made the whole situation even more dramatic.) But no matter how upset I was with her, I never would’ve stooped low enough to do something to her childhood teddy bear.

That’s just one example of the emotional power of a teddy bear, and that’s the thing: Everyone has a unique story about what these stuffed animals mean to them. That’s what makes a teddy bear so special as a childhood staple, and why they should always remain off-limits, no matter how pissed off one might get with a sibling, friend, or schoolmate. You can put a price on a teddy bear at a toy store, but they’ll always be priceless to the people who own them. To that end, my sister still has that childhood bear—old but unharmed—to this day.

Schuster: Another timeless entry in the Children’s Books About Bears canon, the Berenstain Bears series is the gold standard. This series is more than 60 years old, has published more than 300 entries, and is still well loved by kids and adults alike. It features a family of five bears: Papa Bear, who inexplicably dresses like an Amish farmer; Mama Bear, who even more inexplicably is constantly wearing a nightgown and sleeping cap; and their children, Brother Bear, Sister Bear, and baby Honey Bear.

Together they learn lessons, such as in Too Much Vacation, in which they learn the dangers of having too much vacation, and Get the Gimmes, in which the kids get greedy in a candy store. The Berenstains go to camp; they teach you what to expect at the doctor and dentist; they scare the bejesus out of impressionable kids with such books as In the Dark (seriously, if you didn’t find that terrifying, you’re a stronger person than I). They’re an all-around wonderful children’s book family, and I wouldn’t change a thing about them (even Mama’s outfit).

Surrey: An 18-time MLB All-Star who won 10 championships during his time with the New York Yankees and—sorry, wrong Yogi. OK, so Yogi Berra’s résumé is slightly more impressive, but Yogi Bear was an MVP in his own right during Hanna-Barbera’s heyday. Originally conceived as a supporting player for Huckleberry Hound in The Huckleberry Hound Show, which began airing in 1958, Yogi grew so popular that he became the star of an animated series bearing (sorry) his own name by 1961. Accompanied by his diminutive sidekick, Boo-Boo Bear, Yogi charmed audiences with his signature dialogue, which included calling picnic baskets “pic-a-nic baskets” and humblebragging about being smarter than the average bear. (To be fair, most bears you’d encounter at a national park aren’t likely to speak to you in rhymes.)

While Yogi and Boo-Boo have largely remained dormant in the 21st century—it’s better if we all forget the live-action movie ever happened—the duo will always endure as pop culture bear royalty. Besides, how many other bears on this list can boast about having a chain of themed campgrounds across North America?

Schuster: Not ashamed to admit I used to beg my parents to stop at the Jellystone near Baraboo, Wisconsin, on our way to visit family. They never did—but that didn’t keep me from shouting “Ay Boo-Boo!” annoyingly in the back seat.

Schuster: Before we dive into this one: Just think about Baloo for a second. Picture his face, his oblong body, his goofy grin. Did this song start playing unwittingly in your head?

It certainly did in mine!

“The Bare Necessities” is up there with “Hakuna Matata” in the pantheon of Disney songs that try to teach you how to be chill. And chill is Baloo’s whole thing. Largely unbothered by the jungle around him, or the very real concerns Mowgli is facing, Baloo teaches his young protégé about going with the flow, taking a chill pill, and living the high life. (OK, that last one is just a Miller ad campaign, but you get the picture.)

Baloo isn’t this high on the list just because he’s chill, though. He also happens to be a great friend and mentor who snaps into action when Mowgli is kidnapped. Baloo rescues Mowgli, and Baloo eventually puts aside his own feelings to do what is ultimately best for his human best friend. Everyone should want a Baloo in their corner—I know I do.

Surrey: While the character canonically comes from the jungles of “Darkest Peru,” Paddington Bear is one of England’s finest cultural exports. Conceived by author Michael Bond after he spotted a teddy bear at a shop near Paddington Station and gifted it to his wife, Paddington is as wholesome as his humble origin story. He’s all about good manners and a good jar of marmalade, bringing fundamental decency to a world that’s too often deprived of it. And while the original Paddington book series wrapped up after Bond’s death in 2017, the lovable bear continues to thrive on the big screen.

For those who haven’t watched Paul King’s live-action Paddington movies, you’re missing out big time. There’s a reason Paddington 2 briefly unseated Citizen Kane as the best-reviewed film of all time on Rotten Tomatoes and that people were very upset when someone went on to pan a perfect children’s movie and change its ranking. (At least we’ll always have the memes.) Frankly, Paddington 2 is so great that Paddington should’ve won this bear ranking by association. Nic Cage knows what’s up.

Schuster: Who else could it be? He’s the cuddliest, dopiest, bumbliest bear around, the kind of cartoon who could go by no other name than Pooh. Does he wear pants? Of course not; how dare you suggest such a thing? Can he find ways to eat honey that don’t result in his head getting stuck in a jar? Preposterous. How about singing a song about how he’s proud to be rotund, and that even minimal exercise puts him in the mood for food? Well, that he can do:

“I am rumbly in my tumbly.” Aren’t we all, Pooh. Aren’t we all.

Seriously, though, the world got a little bit brighter in the 1920s when Pooh debuted courtesy of English writer A.A. Milne, and it got even brighter in the early 1960s when Pooh and the gang—Piglet, Tigger, and Eeyore, among others—were licensed by Disney and put on American movie screens. Pooh is as sweet as the honey he’s constantly devouring, and his tales are just as nourishing. I hope he sticks around forever.

Surrey: Don’t worry, Megan, the good news is that Pooh isn’t going anywhere. The bad is that the character recently entered the public domain, which means his likeness can be used in, say, a low-budget slasher flick in which Pooh and the gang go on a killing spree.

My boy Paddington would never (until he also enters the public domain).

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The Definitive Ranking of Bears, in Honor of ‘Cocaine Bear’  - The Ringer

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